I spent time with my good friend Jason, AKA propaganda, interviewing him and picking his brain for my screenplay. It was awesome just hearing his philosophies on what makes a great emcee and rapper. A veteran of Hip Hop, Propaganda rose through the battle circuit and has successfully been able to generate a good following. He gave much wisdom and insight into the mind of a great artist. 

Until we teach our children these truths… we won’t get anywhere. 

In light of all the news feeds constantly pouring in about Tracy Morgan’s hateful, homophobic rant during a comedy routine, something has struck me. When has hate become funny?

It seems the over the years, the American public has become increasingly desensitized to what is considered hurtful, or even, hateful. We’ve gone a long ways from laughing at Bugs Bunny hitting Elmer Fudd with an anvil to joking about stabbing your own son because he’s a homosexual.

Where has the line gone?

Screw the line… where have our hearts gone? Whether there are boundaries or not, shouldn’t our own consciences be aware of when something ceases to be humorous, and hurts much more than it tickles?

Tracy Morgan is to blame for most of this, but have we as a social and media environment facillitated these comedians? Causing them to think that we would find these routines humorous to begin with?

Link to the actual news story.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504943_162-20070559-10391715.html

He stepped out on a cold night as the wind blew through his thin jacket. He breathed into his cupped hands, hoping to keep them feeling. His heart keeps him twice as warm as it beats ever so quickly. The rolling hills that he walks on seem to embrace his presence, he’s been here many times. Shooting stars fly across the sky, but he makes no wish, he accepts his life as it is. And tonight is one of many where he questions his knack for laying his life out on a table for those he cares about to have their way with what he presents to them.

His hand reaches into his mind, brushes away some past mistakes, sifts through unnecessary fears and insecurities, examines the other possible outcomes and stops. His hand goes back to his pocket, satisfied that everything was done that could be done, and for once… it is time to be still. He is so far from home, and all who accompany him are the stars and one who he is seeking to spill his heart to. She is heavenly, literally… she brings light to the dark places, literally… she reflects the glory of the sun, literally. Tonight… he is talking to the Moon. It’s the closest thing to talking to “her”… No one else on the face of the earth is quite like her.

The realization came upon him to stop assuming there was anyone like her on the  face of the earth… so he looked up to the sky. He explains to the moon all that comes to his mind, everything he wanted to tell “her,” but feels that he will never be able to express. The moon then, does (although not nearly as well) what “she” was best at… listening… and as she listens… she shines ever so gloriously and never turns out its light… how can it? She’s reflecting the glory of the son. He knows that she’s not talking back, but deep down in his soul, with all the child-like imagination he could muster up… he says to the the moon, “good night, and I hope you rest in a morning that prepares the way for you to shine brighter tomorrow.”

With that said… he hopes that “she” is listening… and not the moon. He doesn’t feel so cold all of sudden, and as he turns back, he sees that home isn’t as far as it was before… did she bring him closer to it? He begins to walk, knowing that by the time he gets home… the moon will have rested and the sun will shine, he will thank the sun for shining through her, and he will be stronger than ever.

—-Inspired by the Bruno Mars song of the same name.

Another semester! Yes it’s exciting! It’s great to see familiar faces again and meeting new ones, God is greatly blessing me and teaching me new things.

One thing that I’m really learning practically is the value of blessings. The Lord gives us so much and we fall into two sides often… the eternally grateful and the ones who take these blessing for granted. We will almost always be on both sides of the fence at some point in our lives. Both sides will teach us very much, but we always want to stay on the “grateful” side because it keeps life fresh and beautiful.

But I’m definitely learning that these gifts are nothing compared to the giver. I always knew that in my heart, but there’s times when you don’t really feel required to hold on to that to reassure you and to encourage you to keep going.

God has been giving me many oppurtunities in my career, friendships and some other simpler things that I cherish, but when it comes down to it… none of these things satisfy me. Upon a new realization of an upcoming oppurtunity I realized that if it came to fruition, I would not be satisfied in it by itself. That really hit me. Because I work very hard, and often times it seems like I feel a sense of entitlement to a reward…  That’s pride, and that is shameful.

I become far too attached to things that are temporal at times. Temporal does not apply only to material things, but to our status, happiness, image, even our goals in life. If I look to a goal to fulfill me, when I reach it, I will realize that it isn’t eternal and cannot sustain me. My goals didn’t save my soul, and they can’t make my life any more valuable than it is. God gives value… my aspirations don’t.

My soul is often conflicted by this… I ask God to help me to see Him for what He is. And this is where the blessings help me. Where I often was wrong was in looking at the blessings for what they were and pretending to be satisfied in that… that was a blatant lie to myself. When I see my blessings I must be thankful and acknowledge that the GOD who gave them to me is infinitely greater than His greatest blessing. I need to allow the blessings to heighten my focus and not become my focus.

Something I realize however.. is that I am withdrawing a little bit… The Lord has brought things to my heart that I need to work on. I have been “this close” to ruining friendships and hurting people, and God has shown me my need to run back to Him and stop “searching”… for what? Like I even know…

The reality is, I am always searching for God… we all are… but at times the winds blow really hard and we might get a little shaken off of our path and we still have God on our mind… we just kinda end up walking the wrong way. 

Psalm 119:105 “Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path!”

His word is the only thing that will keep me on track and in a constant state of gratitude.

His blessings are a result of love, my reaction should be out of love as well.

One of my favorite artists seems to summarize where I have been and where I am coming from in my life.

“I’m not going to be content, until I find gratitude… I use my veins to create the color I paint from, delve into my self until my heart becomes my paint brush! I told my mama ‘I’m not stopping until my name’s up!’ Thinking those comments on that blog is gonna save us! Searching for everything but GOD to validate ya’. Get insecure and then we start blaming the haters. I used to look to women to fill a part of me that was vacant, truth was the only thing that I ever used in moderation! So I stare into this paper instead of sitting at a cubicle, take all the ugly [stuff] inside and try to make it beautiful. Use the cement from rock bottom and make it musical, so the people can relate to where I’ve been, where I’m goin, what I’ve seen, what I’ve heard, from the guts! [Forget] the glory! Just a person on a porch putting it all into a recording. Many of my past and many that came before me, I just keep walking my path and blessed to share my story!” -Macklemore

God has brought me a long way… and He’s bringing me even closer to Him… I just need to keep walking his path.

So yeah… I just needed to write that… I don’t blog too much unless I have something to say because I really feel that I shouldn’t say much if there’s no reason other than to just merely get attention. But I feel that maybe someone reading this might relate or maybe even do some soul searching to see if they can relate, and if there is anything God might be ministering to them about.

Oh wow…

(Source: fuckyeahdisneyfanart)

Its been a while since I’ve posted… I just didn’t feel like writing about my previous battles because I’m fighting some new ones and also because I’m experiencing new breaktrhoughs and re-kindling new joys. Sometimes for the process to continue in a healthy manner we gotta let somethings wait.

I’ve learned something so important about the Love of Jesus Christ… He loves me even when I don’t. He loves you even when YOU don’t! Really, truly think about that. There is nothing more comforting than that. As a child with an anxiety disorder, I self scrutinized myself, cut myself down to a stump, weak and afraid. I let my anxiety tell me that God didn’t love me for who I was, that he didn’t own my soul, that He wanted me to EARN His love. I can get into the ins and outs of what having an anxiety disorder is like, what the symptoms are etc, but I need to go to the essence of what started me down this path, and it was this idea of Inadequacy, that Jesus didn’t love me because of it.

What a LIE! WE ARE ALL INADEQUATE, and despite this, Christ loves us with an infinite love that even the most righteous do not understand. Now I must live with the scars. Am I discouting that what I dealt with was a true clinical condition, an actual illness of sorts… no I am not. But the doubt that God loved me didn’t help, and the scars still remain, often times I don’t even notice them until something reminds me of my old doubtful ways.

Tonight I say with confidence that God Loves Me, and I love Him, and NOTHING will change that.

So yeah, I didn’t continue this story with all the details of what having a disorder is like…not this time… Because this truth…This PRECIOUS truth, is why I keep fighting, as long as I focus on HIS LOVE, it doesn’t matter what affliction or battles I need to fight… It’s ALL worth it!

This is the point I usually reach towards the end of the semester… right now I just feel tired, not necessarily physically, but spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I’m not complaining, just stating the facts, but I welcome it and I’m gonna stare it in the face. I’m gonna defy it, and show it how much will not be intimidated by it. And eventually it well go away because I will achieve my rest… in Christ. Mark my words.

So… I’m here listening to music that just reminds me of when I was a little kid. I don’t necessarily wanna go back to my childhood, but I want certain child-like aspects back in my life (not childish…child-like..there is a difference). Something I really remember feeling as a child was a fascination and zeal just to wake up in the morning, that I don’t have today… It’s kinda sad. I want it back. But something that I really am thankful that has translated into these years, is a love for the simple things in life. I find so much joy in seeing someone smile, in watching the sunset, breathing in the LA County air (Yes it smells different compared to Corona air.) I love life. The painful parts of it, the pleasurable parts of it, it’s so beautiful overall in the context of the bigger picture. 

When I lay in my bed at night, I am so thankful for my family.. It’s because of them that I ever had a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, and someone to love me, unconditionally. Our generation is so lost, and the sad thing is, some people don’t find pleasure in the simplicity anymore, If we’re not getting paid a certain amount of money, If we don’t have a certain car, If we didn’t date a certain girl, we’re not happy. We act like God owes us something…. I’m guilty of this… but he gave me life, a mother who loves me, a father who worked hard to keep us together amidst struggles, a brother who looks up to me, and that more abundantly. On top of that he gave me salvation. That’s amazing in and of itself, but also just the fact that I can breathe in the cool air of the night… is a testimony in and of itself to the goodness of God. So tonight.. I am very…very thankful.